Tag Archives: Chelsea

Luis Suarez Biting Theory and Satirical Comedy

While the debate and inquest into the Luis Suarez bite on Giorgio Chiellini in the World Cup 2014 game between Uruguay and Italy dominates the human sporting media we can confirm that Suarez is absolutely not a werewolf.

We can also put forward a theory that Suarez bites instead of punches, and offer possible reasons for his unusual actions.

Luis Suarez not a Werewolf

Hi, it’s Martin ‘Werewolfie’ Adams with a satirical comedy sports round-up virtually from Brazil.

Suarez showed no signs of the stereotypical werewolf change before biting Chiellini, and it was not a full moon last night. He could be a vampire who has learnt to live in daylight as well as dark, although that also looks unlikely, as he didn’t try to drink any blood.

Bad Research

English: Player photo, made during the friendl...
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Bad researchers not knowing much about Suarez, and his previous two cases of biting, might put it down to jealousy, with the Uruguayan star player envious of Chiellini’s handsome Romanic looks.

Others might put it down to the heat of the moment, or a provocative act to try and get the opposing player sent off when they react, but his first biting incident for Ajax v P.S.V. was after the final whistle had blown.

With the Ivanovic incident, while playing for Liverpool v Chelsea, Suarez didn’t seem to claim he’d been hit by Ivanovic; maybe he would have done if Ivanovic had swung an arm more.

Suarez did seem to claim being hit by Chiellini when he swung an arm to push Suarez away in yesterday’s game.

Suarez Bites Instead of Punching

Although Suarez has been in lots of trouble on the football field, with three biting incidents and a racism allegation, we can’t remember him having an actual fight; and throwing punches.

We don’t know if Suarez thinks he is more likely to get away with a bite than a punch, or that a bite is more effective, or if he is actually trying to provoke the other player into a reaction, or if he just enjoys biting.

We can say in a good research way, from the evidence we have, that Suarez bites rather than punching.

Suarez is considered one of football’s biggest geniuses using a ball, and maybe it is that part of the brain that allows him to see things other players don’t, that also makes him interact with other players in a way that other players don’t.

First-Half Analysis for Match of the Day in Oz

Hi, it’s G.G. Howling, literary correspondent at the Greenygrey, with analysis of the first-half of the Crows v Redbacks game.

A section of the crowd, estimated to be over 1...
A section of the crowd, estimated to be over 110,000. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Wow, wasn’t it a thrilling first half. Almost as thrilling as yesterday’s F.A. Cup games, with Leeds beating Spurs, Oldham beating Liverpool and Brentford drawing with Chelsea on a weekend when the magic of the cup seemed to materialise again.

Redback Magic Downs Crows

There was plenty of magic for the Redbacks too, as they scurried into a 3-0 half-time lead. This was of course bad news for the Crows and our travelling trio, as Grey, Elle and Bonzo need a Crows win to escape the tumult following the timequake that sent them tumbling as they travelled into  Oz’s Adelaide, South Australia.

The travelling trio’s troubles seemed destined to me from the first headline and paragraph of the episode, which seem to have been created simply to have a rhyme for ‘First half is a laugh…’

Redback
Redback (Photo credit: robdownunder)

This failure to take the Redback threat seriously seemed to materialise in the second paragraph, when the Crows failed to counter the need for names with a red connection to create laughs for the first half.

Therefore, three goals were quickly scored by the Redbacks without reply.  Red-grave buried the first; the second went in with a roar by Red-din; and finally Red-burn fanned the flames of defeat for the Crows with third.

Game of Two Halves

Much-needed hope was given to the Crow cause at half-time, when the travelling trio remembered their sporting tactics and terminology.

Sick as a parrot!
Sick as a parrot! (Photo credit: johnmuk)

Bonzo thought of playing the ball in the air instead of on the ground, those two well-known opposite tactical styles; and Grey soon went from feeling sick as a parrot to being over the moon; probably the two most famous football post-match interview cliches (and feeling over the moon is even better for a werewolf than a sportsperson!).

Looks like it’s going to be an interesting second-half, with kick-off here scheduled for Wednesday

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