Tag Archives: pagan comedy books

premier league football writing

Liverpool’s Lovren was the biggest football star in XaW Files: Beyond Humanity (now free to read online with Amazon Prime: last Prime Day today!).

After it was published, Liverpool won the Champions League and Premier League titles. He was then blamed for any defensive lapses when he played!

After leaving in the summer, Liverpool’s defence has collapsed! Including against Leeds, who were the main team in XaW Files; they were promoted last year!

Now, Liverpool seem to have joined their main rivals in the Salford Red Devils triangle!

Coincidence? Weird or What (good TV show, giving different versions of an event, and letting you… be Sherlock!).

Lovren has now moved to St. Petersburg, where the first chapter travelling Russia ended with a chess theme, Bond parody wordplay and a tennis love match between Kournikova and Sharapova:

You Can Lead a Horse to Tennis

I thanked the horse for its Saint Petersburg info, and asked if it fancied a stroll. It agreed, and introduced itself as Wiki Steedia. We walked around some of the green parks and grey streets, until reaching a tennis stadium. There was an exhibition match being played there between Russian greats Anna Kournikova and Maria Sharapova, so I asked Wiki if it wanted to watch. Wiki said neigh. It said it would love to, but knew of an open chess tournament taking place in an exclusive club, and thought it might be able to get some work as a bit-part player there. So we said goodbye after I thanked it for the lift and flight from Moscow.

I was sad to see Wiki leave, and thought You can lead a chess horse to tennis, but you can’t make it play.

Tennis Love Match

I was sorry to say goodbye to Wiki, but was glad I opted to watch the tennis, as it was a great game. Kournikova took the first set to love, then Sharapova took the second to love. The third set was the decider, kind of like the Y in greenYgrey.

The games went to serve throughout the third set, and they played a tie-break rather than one having to win by two games. Kournikova had just taken a three-love lead, with an incredible volley, when I felt something tugging at my leg.

I looked down, and was astounded to see it was Love, the mixed-up vole; the lovely love correspondent at the greenYgrey.

From Russia with Love

‘Follow me quickly,’ Love said. ‘It’s time for you to leave Russia. You must not stall any longer, for this episode is already well over its time limit, and you don’t want to be using up all your time with no sign of our ol’ Wolfhol yet.’

I had to agree with Love. I had become engrossed in the Saint Petersburg sights and tennis match, and lost sight of time.

I followed it out of the stadium, and down into the Sportivnaya station. I loved the greenYgrey look of the station. Love said it did too.

We passed through Admiralteyskaya, Sadovaya and Zvenigorodskaya metro stations. I remember arriving in Obvodny, and thinking it looked like the CERN Large Hadron Collider. It was to be my last thought for a while, because then we seemed to shoot off at proton beams speed, and I lost consciousness.

References:
Neigh/Nay is a word for a horse noise and a slang word for no. Fyodor Dostoyevsky biography: http://eng.md.spb.ru/dostoevsky/other_museums/omsk/?more
From Russia With Love was a 1963 James Bond film.
Saint Petersburg and Russian literature information from Wikipedia.
You can lead a chess horse to tennis, but you can’t make it play works kind of like that old chestnut phrase: You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

XaW Files free to read online at Amazon Prime: https://www.amazon.co.uk/XaW-Files-Beyond…/dp/B019NOY9ZU
Lots more free thinking fun loving wordplay on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/marc.l.latham/

Amazon prime days

Amazon Prime Days today and tomorrow with a free month’s trial membership, so you can read XaW Files: Beyond Humanity for free online, if you like zany pagan theme comedy and poetry. Here’s one of 202 episodes, structured to the X-Files episodes, with the book a loose parody (focused more on the mind and coincidence than UFOs… unfortunately… some documentaries got me back interested in aliens soon after publishing!):

Chapter 8 Episode 6

‘greenY, I am Grendel, I think we must be related from sharing our first three letters.’

‘Werewolf who often wants to be a wolf, I am Beowulf. I think we must be related.’

Grendel Rings Our Bell

How did I become embroiled in a struggle between the main protagonist and antagonist of the oldest surviving Anglo-Saxon epic poem. Oh yes, it started because were (sic) in Denmark, and the saga is mainly set in that country, with Grendel having  attacked the mead hall in the Danish court of King Hroðgar

Then in the last episode of this epic tale we cracked open the mead! I should have known it would attract Grendel, what with this being an X Files parody, but a lot of mead has passed under the bridge since then, so I didn’t think it would create a row between Grendel and Beowulf. 

We had been enjoying ourselves, as described in the last episode, when there was a knock on the door. It was Grendel asking for a month’s supply of our mead:

‘They say mud sticks
and Mjød sure kicks
im-mead-iately a treat
smell that’s hard to beat
so sweet a taste
shouldn’t go to waste.’

Sitting on the Fence in Odense 

Grendel had just finished his soliloquy, when there was another knock on the door. Yes, you might have guessed, it was Beowulf. He delivered his opening line as written at the start of this episode, before asking that we hand Grendel over to him, as he is supposed to have been dead for many centuries.

I had just asked Chris and Mads for their advice, when there was another knock on the door. I opened it, and saw it was a woman who looked like an older Grendel.

‘Hello, I’m looking for my son,’ she said. ‘I followed a scent of mead here, and know he is only too fond of the sweet stuff. His name is Grendel, and I sense yours is greenY by your look; so you may be doubly interesting to him, because he thinks everybody that has a name like him is related.’

Just then there was a commotion inside, and when I looked behind myself, I could see Chris and Mads trying to separate Beowulf and Grendel, who had obviously started tussling. 

Norse God Not Happy with Noise

I was wondering what to do next when a thunderous voice spoke down to us, stopping the mortal enemies in their tracks. 

‘Oh what a din,’ said Odin. ‘Odense is supposed to be a quiet holy city for my worshippers, with the name deriving from Odins , meaning “Odin’s sanctuary”.

‘Hello Odin,’ I said. ‘Thanks for your help. I was wondering what to do with our visitors, and didn’t know Odense was named after you. I thought it looked more related to Denmark, but apparently that has a totally different etymological origin.’

‘I can handle my son myself thank you Odin,’ said Grendel’s mother. ‘As long as he hasn’t had any of that mead yet he should be fine once I get him out of the house, and back home.’

‘I think that is the best solution,’ Odin said. ‘Please allow Grendel’s mother access to your house greenY, and let her take Grendel home. Goodnight all, and hopefully I’ll be able to get my precious sleep now.’

‘Goodnight Odin,’ we replied.

So that’s what happened, with Grendel and his mother going home quietly; well, apart from her giving him a bit of a row and a clip around the ear as they walked down the street.

References

As told in the surviving epic poem, Beowulf was the son of Ecgtheow, a warrior of the Swedish Wægmundings. Ecgþeow had slain Heaðolaf, a man from another clan named the Wulfings (according to Scandinavian sources, they were the ruling dynasty of the Geatish petty kingdom of Östergötland). Apparently, because the victim was from a prominent family the weregild was set too high, and so Ecgþeow was banished and had to seek refuge among the Danes. The Danish king Hroðgar generously paid the weregild, and had Ecgþeow swear an oath.

Like our rambles, the story of Beowulf and Grendel is thought to contain some real people in a fictional story.